Tips for Parents to Connect with Their Neurodiverse Teens

Parenting can be unpredictable. Sometimes I have the feeling that I am at my max at solving problems, trying to de-escalate situations proactively, meet many needs in the family or feeling starved for personal space and time to re-charge or just get some sleep. Sometimes it feels like my little people always want or need something and my bucket is chronically low.

And then there’s the pre-teen and teen years where our little people aren’t so little and they begin to pull away from us. We’re no longer the expert problem solvers we seemed to be and instead we are (in my case), struggling to keep up with technology and experienced as demand-givers, boundary setters or “old and embarrassing” and those moments of connection we long for become what is in short supply.

Maybe this is something you’ve experienced too. So, how do you build connection? You do what you can with what’s in your control as a parent:

·      You invest.

·      You show up

·      You take an interest in what they’re interested in.

·      Go easy on asking questions and instead listen, be available and be present.

·      And you look to see if you’re both experiencing each other a little differently.

Tap into your memories of having a crush and being interested in someone, or the experience of having someone be interested in you. Remember suddenly caring about interests that were never on your radar before? That’s useful here. Notice how your youth spends their time. Gaming? Boom! Suddenly you’re looking up Legend of Zelda  Pokémon and memories you have of Centipede or Tetris come to mind. Yes! Take that goodness and go with it.

Maybe its Chess and you’re spending your lunch break looking up Queen’s Gambit (so good) or guitar. Painting with oil vs. acrylics. Let yourself be curious about Colour Theory. Epic and obscure Manga. Random facts about mosquitos. Put aside your dismay at how the idea of terrible pixels in Minecraft could be… cool (oh, just me?).

What would happen if we decided to take 20 minutes a week and put away our phones, called a truce and let chore reminders be forgotten, or set homework (yes!) aside. And instead, we showed up, we put our questions away and just watched, allowing ourselves to be present without distractions and be curious about this interest our youth were engaging with. What if we showed hints of genuine enjoyment on our faces too. Imagine how you would feel if the tables were turned. If you had your youth’s full attention, their interest and curiosity and it was about your favourite thing.

Give ourselves permission to let go of teaching, parental agendas and enjoy watching our youth in their element. What would happen to fractured connection if we did this again, or made it a weekly habit.

Let’s find out.

Theresa Jouan is a dual certified Behavior Analyst and Clinical Counsellor who provides rapport-driven counselling services to youth and adults, neurodivergent or otherwise. She applies the strengths from both fields to best meet the needs of those she sees.

This blog post was based on personal experience and was loosely based on the work of Dr. Kelsey Ruppel and Dr. Greg Hanley (2021).

Resources:

Ruppel, K.W., Hanley, G.P., Landa, R.K. & Rajaraman, A. (2021). An evaluation of “Balance”: A home-based, parent implemented program addressing emerging problem behavior. Behavior Analysis in Practice, 14(2), 324–341.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8149514/